Book Review
Leadership and Self-Deception
- The Arbinger Institute
A quick explanation of why I am doing this. I started a new position with a new employer, going on a year now. And on the very day that I onboarded into my 3000 headcount company, the VP of my division onboarded as well. I was almost fearful, now realizing that I had taken on a senior leadership position (Director) of a department that has been without ANY senior leadership for who knows how long? “What was I doing!?”
Well, since that day, it has been a wonderful rollercoaster ride. The same VP and I have built a department that is still growing and prospering; we have a long way to go, but gone are the days we both sat in her off at the end of the day, looking at each other and each thinking, “What in the heck am I doing here!?”
The reason I am saying all that, is that we started a book club. Every other week we meet with any leadership, Team Leader on up to VP, that wants to join. The numbers are increasing, and my VP and I have an opportunity to work with, tie in, and involve ourselves in all aspects of the employee experience. Currently we are reading Leadership and Self Deception - Getting out of the Box, by The Arbinger Institute. If you have not read it, please do, it is very self-awareness building.
Self Deception
So, the first concept that you will come to in this very insightful book, is “Self-Deception.” We all have it, we all do it, and by thinking or saying that you do not is in itself “Self Deception”.. see how I got you there!!
In this chapter, we are also introduced to “In the Box.” So to tie it together,
Self-Deception = In the Box
The stories and examples in the book, give you sight into, not only professional environments, but also personal.
You will be introduced to 5 main characters initially, Tom, our main character; Bud and Kate, senior leadership in Tom’s new company, and Joyce and Sheryl, Sheryl is Tom’s assistant and Joyce works in another department.
The book takes your through Tom’s journey of self-awareness. And Kate and Bud’s interactive associative instruction to Tom. It is a very easy read, and will apply to anyone in any position and the concepts will carry into your personal life as well.
One of the largest concepts that I would call the foundation of “being in or out of the box” is:
“Looking or responding to people straightforwardly as they are - People,”
“Looking or responding to people in a system apical distorted way - Objects.”
The question is posed, are you a “person among people, or a person among inanimate objects?” Goes on to group this way:
“If you are a person among people = out of the box,
If you are a person among objects = in the box.”
The book suggests one simple concept that if you try to “remember the names and common knowledge about someone you meet” then you see them as a person. If you meet someone and have no interest in remembering their name or any common knowledge about the, then you see them as objects.
This particular concept struck home with me, many years ago, I realized that I could not really remember names of people that I was introduced to whenever I was in a new environment. Thus, I convinced myself, that “my memory” was bad, and so I gave up trying. In reading this, I realized that it was not my memory, it was me, and that I did not place the importance on learning who they were, what interests they had, etc. I was instantly ashamed that I would limit myself this way for so many years. That is what this book will give you. And though I cannot change the past, I can apply this concept for the current and future.
This week we reviewed Start through Chapter 13, I will not give page numbers, because I have a large print version, thus it is a little skewed on the page numbers, but awesome to take notes in.
Going into the later part of this weeks club meeting, Tom is reflecting on his tumultuous relationship with his wife Laura. This rang so very true with my own life right now, I felt exactly as Tom did in the book. So I could quickly relate and apply it to my life. Even to the very morning that our book club was meeting that afternoon:
I was recent diagnosed with a medical condition that has required me to adjust my eating habits and institute a diet that will require a life long commitment. My husband, who is recently retired and staying in and around the home, announced on Sunday, that HE would do the grocery shopping now and that I did not need to order and have delivered. I conceded and thus began putting these items for my special menu on Alexa, I was very specific with Brand, flavor, type, and where to find it in the grocery store (Publix).
Well on Tuesday of that week, He went to HIS favorite store (Walmart), and everything I put on the list was not available (because they were a little more specialized), so he bought either store brand, or regular brand; which I could not eat, of course. I had to work late so I did not see the items till the next morning, making my lunch for work, all the items were wrong; my husband had already left the house, so I began texting him, all separate text bubbles, all the wrong items; and I got VERY angry, text-BAMB, then very hurt, text-BAMB, because I felt he did not care about me, text-BAMB, and this condition, he was a horrible husband, text-BAMB, he was uncaring, text-BAMB, etc..
I deceived myself, in reference to this one particular act: by convincing myself that I was justified in thinking my husband was horrible, because I put myself in a position of being better or more important because of my medical condition. I was not thinking of him as a person, and looking at the good things he brought home; I was thinking of him as a object that should be here to do my bidding!
I realized later on that I had put myself in the box. Thank goodness my husband was NOT in the box, he immediately apologized, and said that I should do an order and have it delivered, and he put it away. Then I felt like poo!! For thinking and acting the way I did.
So needless to say, this is an example of how, even if we are aware of ourselves and our environment, that we can put ourselves, in the box at any point in time for any reason.
Stay Tuned, in 2 weeks, we will review Chapter 14 - Chapter 20, I hope you have enjoyed my review, thus far?
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